pretense

12/25/09 at 2:22 PM
I am all for, you work hard… you deserve to buy yourself something nice… you absolutely deserve to buy anything… or in this matter, anyone you like…

Ajha found out who when he read my blog… he remembered the guy who was wearing a hooded black vest at the Christmas party… It was stupid of me, I knew I was not the only one paying attention on him… Ajha, after all, is, too, gay… I should have not described what he was wearing that night… I asked Mayumi if she remembers what Angel was wearing that night… a hooded vest, she answered… and so if she too read my blog, she would know… And so I decided to come clean…

I knew there was something the first time I saw him… and that it broke my heart when the Sang’gres forbade it… and that I have to divert my attention to another… Y… but it has always been him… and that I have to be defensive about it… defensive in the sense that it must not show… must not budge… must not give in… it came out almost as if I hate him…

“Just because of them?!”

No… they were just convenient alibi…

Evrybody is all over Angel… everybody thinks he is so cute… so nice… he is all that… and what am I…? no, this is not having low self esteem… this is just knowing where I stand… and I know he is way out of my league… if not that, we run in different circles… or better yet, we have our own preferences and it just happen that I am not in the league of his preference… This is not about having low self esteem… I have lots of psychological shit going on, but I don’t think having low self esteem is one of them…

I know there are a lot of guys who wants me… at least, wants to get me to bed… and Angel is just not one of them…

“Then make him like you…”

Good suggestion, but how… under the pretense of friendship…? You see I find that dubious… you act all nice for him, pretending to be a good friend and that is all you want from him: friendship… when really you want him all for yourself… I find that just wrong…

I know, I really have so much psychological shit going on…

But really… putting you best foot forward…? Showing him only the positive side of you, tempting, teasing… and when you manage to lure him to your web, you show your fangs… which if he does not like, he would be breaking your heart to no fault of him…

“But he does the same, he too won’t show his fangs… he too would try to prove he is worthy of your affection…

All is fair in love and war…”

All is fair in love and war… hmmmm…?

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